Dear Jordan

A grief tsunami struck me today on my commute home. In the midst of an upbeat, non-triggering song on a seemingly “good” day. Unlike many, I usually look forward to Mondays. For me there is something reassuring about the beginning of a new week. I breathe a sigh of relief knowing exactly what my schedule entails. In truth, it is likely tied to having some form of normalcy at a time in my life that has been chaotic. So, to say this late afternoon interruption threw me off my game would be an understatement. I should know better by now than to think my grief can align with the designated block of time I’ve scheduled for sadness. As Delia likes to say, “Silly me.”

Still, I’m left pondering what prompted this. Is it the holiday hangover in full force? Three holiday seasons without you already. Hard to comprehend that alone. Or maybe that I’m on the brink of yet another change? This change entirely because I chose it not because I’m forced due to my circumstances. Feels good! Selfishly, I feel I’ve earned it. But, maybe that’s exactly it, I’ve come so far in restructuring my “new life” that you feel further and further away.

Over the last few months, I felt a noticeable shift in my grief. Less like I’m drowning or paralyzed by it and more that I’m driven by it. For the sake of clarification, I’d scrap this new found inspiration for your safe return at first chance. If only. In all seriousness, this is one of the many parallels I’ve noted between my grief of losing my mom and you. An eventual ignited “spark” of wanting to push forward even though I continue to feel emotionally bruised. Living beyond the losses endured.

I’m grateful to be at the point in my grief journey of beginning to embrace this perspective. Again. It has been a long, treacherous road to get here. However, the agonizing pain of losing you still stops me in my tracks even when it feels as though the fog has finally began to clear. And some days, just like this one, the pain swells from inside my heart and leaks out my eyes. As you well know, I’ve never been an outwardly emotional person. Though I’m appreciative you infiltrated the depths of my icy soul enough to induce an unprovoked crying session when needed. Don’t worry, I’m keeping a list of grievances we can review when we are reunited. You are not off the hook.

So, for you and for me, I’ll keep going. Understanding that time won’t heal me but it will provide perspective. I can accept this but man do I ever miss you.